Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:

trespassers will be baptized

– Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

– The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

– The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The
sermon tonight “Searching for Jesus.”

– Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

– Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your
husbands.

– The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due

to a conflict.

– Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t
care much about you.

– Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

– Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving

obvious pleasure to the congregation.

– For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

– Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

– Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more

transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

– The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”

– Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

– A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

– At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is
Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

– Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

– Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

– Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

– The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

– Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

– The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

– This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

– Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.

– The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

– Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please

use the back door.

– The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet
in the
church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.

– The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours