Archive for February, 2006

The Stella Awards

Time once again to review The Stella Awards are to memorialize 81-year-old

Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on her own lap and successfully sued
McDonalds (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most
frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.
This years winners:

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000.
by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who
was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were

understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little
toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000. and
medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a
house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to

get the gara! ge door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting
the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on
vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.
He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue
mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AR was awarded $14,500. and

medical expens! es after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The
award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the
fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. C!

arson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of
a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to
the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000. and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year’s runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor

home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto
the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not
surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner’s manual that
she couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarde! d her $1,750,000. plus a new
motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this
suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Two nuns and Dracula

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in
their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says
Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican,” says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield
washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine?

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen. “Now you’re talking,” says Sister
Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, “Get the fuck off the car!”

“Sagging” Spirits

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just
kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to
get it over with quickly, Mildred took out Earl’s old Army pistol and

made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly
broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and
become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s
office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart was located. “On a
woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left
breast.” Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.

The 25 rules to flying

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull

The stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep The
pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided With
the sky.

8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ Landing
is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all
of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi
to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle Of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice

versa.

12. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going Hundreds of
miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet
to lose.

13. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.

14. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as

possible

15. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s

Not subject to appeal.

16. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

17. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

18. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

19. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to Five
minutes earlier.

20. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might
be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also
report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

21. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the Number

of take offs you’ve made.

22. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately
no one knows what they are.

23. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The
trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

24. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round And
round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger

compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

AND FINALLY,

25. When in doubt, take AMTRAK. They may crash more, but they don’t have to
fall before they do!

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