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I could have been rich

If only I thought of it

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Funny Church Letters

Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:

trespassers will be baptized

– Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

– The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

– The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The
sermon tonight “Searching for Jesus.”

– Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

– Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your
husbands.

– The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due

to a conflict.

– Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t
care much about you.

– Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

– Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving

obvious pleasure to the congregation.

– For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

– Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

– Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more

transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

– The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”

– Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

– A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

– At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is
Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

– Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

– Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

– Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

– The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

– Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

– The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

– This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

– Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.

– The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

– Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please

use the back door.

– The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet
in the
church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.

– The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours

Capt. Skidmark!!

this are priceless

How To Spot a Millionare

Picture says it all

The guys ONE ass check is bigger than her WHOLE ass.

Holiday Eating tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even more rare than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of
attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

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