The perfect comeback

I read this at www.amazingjokes.com

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around” he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged ‘need.’ “Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.”
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

“I said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?”
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said…”A pumpkin? Shit…is it midnight already?”

Is your son a computer hacker?

I found this on adequacy.org and thought it was funny enough to repost on.
This was written long ago and was featured on Tech TV. It has some really funny points to it.

As an enlightened, modern parent, I try to be as involved as possible in the lives of my six children. I encourage them to join team sports. I attend their teen parties with them to ensure no drinking or alcohol is on the premises. I keep a fatherly eye on the CDs they listen to and the shows they watch, the company they keep and the books they read. You could say I’m a model parent. My children have never failed to make me proud, and I can say without the slightest embellishment that I have the finest family in the USA.

Two years ago, my wife Carol and I decided that our children’s education would not be complete without some grounding in modern computers. To this end, we bought our children a brand new Compaq to learn with. The kids had a lot of fun using the handful of application programs we’d bought, such as Adobe’s Photoshop and Microsoft’sWord, and my wife and I were pleased that our gift was received so well. Our son Peter was most entranced by the device, and became quite a pro at surfing the net. When Peter began to spend whole days on the machine, I became concerned, but Carol advised me to calm down, and that it was only a passing phase. I was content to bow to her experience as a mother, until our youngest daughter, Cindy, charged into the living room one night to blurt out: “Peter is a computer hacker!”

As you can imagine, I was amazed. A computer hacker in my own house! I began to monitor my son’s habits, to make certain that Cindy wasn’t just telling stories, as she is prone to doing at times.

After a few days of investigation, and some research into computer hacking, I confronted Peter with the evidence. I’m afraid to say, this was the only time I have ever been truly disappointed in one of my children. We raised them to be honest and to have integrity, and Peter betrayed the principles we tried to encourage in him, when he refused point blank to admit to his activities. His denials continued for hours, and in the end, I was left with no choice but to ban him from using the computer until he is old enough to be responsible for his actions.

After going through this ordeal with my own family, I was left pondering how I could best help others in similar situations. I’d gained a lot of knowledge over those few days regarding hackers. It’s only right that I provide that information to other parents, in the hope that they will be able to tell if their children are being drawn into the world of hacking. Perhaps other parents will be able to steer their sons back onto the straight and narrow before extreme measures need to be employed.

To this end, I have decided to publish the top ten signs that your son is a hacker. I advise any parents to read this list carefully and if their son matches the profile, they should take action. A smart parent will first try to reason with their son, before resorting to groundings, or even spanking. I pride myself that I have never had to spank a child, and I hope this guide will help other parents to put a halt to their son’s misbehaviour before a spanking becomes necessary.

1. Has your son asked you to change ISPs?

Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL. These providers have a strict “No Hacking” policy, and take careful measures to ensure that your internet experience is enjoyable, educational and above all legal. If your child is becoming a hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more hacker friendly provider.

I would advise all parents to refuse this request. One of the reasons your son is interested in switching providers is to get away from AOL’s child safety filter. This filter is vital to any parent who wants his son to enjoy the internet without the endangering him through exposure to “adult” content. It is best to stick with the protection AOL provides, rather than using a home-based solution. If your son is becoming a hacker, he will be able to circumvent any home-based measures with surprising ease, using information gleaned from various hacker sites.

2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don’t remember installing?

Your son will probably try to install some hacker software. He may attempt to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under “Install/Remove Programs” in your control panel. Popular hacker software includes “Comet Cursor”, “Bonzi Buddy” and “Flash”.

The best option is to confront your son with the evidence, and force him to remove the offending programs. He will probably try to install the software again, but you will be able to tell that this is happening, if your machine offers to “download” one of the hacker applications. If this happens, it is time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing him with a grounding.

3. Has your child asked for new hardware?

Computer hackers are often limited by conventional computer hardware. They may request “faster” video cards, and larger hard drives, or even more memory. If your son starts requesting these devices, it is possible that he has a legitimate need. You can best ensure that you are buying legal, trustworthy hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer’s manufacturer.

If your son has requested a new “processor” from a company called “AMD”, this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, “knock-off” copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking. AMD chips are never sold in stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well.

4. Does your child read hacking manuals?

If you pay close attention to your son’s reading habits, as I do, you will be able to determine a great deal about his opinions and hobbies. Children are at their most impressionable in the teenage years. Any father who has had a seventeen year old daughter attempt to sneak out on a date wearing make up and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences can have on inexperienced minds.

There are, unfortunately, many hacking manuals available in bookshops today. A few titles to be on the lookout for are: “Snow Crash” and “Cryptonomicon” by Neal Stephenson; “Neuromancer” by William Gibson; “Programming with Perl” by Timothy O’Reilly; “Geeks” by Jon Katz; “The Hacker Crackdown” by Bruce Sterling; “Microserfs” by Douglas Coupland; “Hackers” by Steven Levy; and “The Cathedral and the Bazaar” by Eric S. Raymond.

If you find any of these hacking manuals in your child’s possession, confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance at first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure.

5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?

If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access to the “command prompt” on other people’s machines, and using it to tie up vital internet services. This can take up to eight hours. If your son is doing this, he is breaking the law, and you should stop him immediately. The safest policy is to limit your children’s access to the computer to a maximum of forty-five minutes each day.

6. Does your son use Quake?

Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and at school.

If your son is using Quake, you should make hime understand that this is not acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are carefully locked away, and have trigger locks installed. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.

7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?

As a child enters the electronic world of hacking, he may become disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.

Even when confronted, your son will probably find it difficult to talk about this problem to you. He will probably claim that there is no problem, and that you are imagining things. He may tell you that it is you who has the problem, and you should “back off” and “stop smothering him.” Do not allow yourself to be deceived. You are the only chance your son has, even if he doesn’t understand the situation he is in. Keep trying to get through to him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.

8. Is your son obsessed with “Lunix”?

BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called “xenix”, which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by hackers to break into other people’s computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people’s stereos to steal their music, using the “mp3” program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as “telnet”, which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone.

Your son may try to install “lunix” on your hard drive. If he is careful, you may not notice its presence, however, lunix is a capricious beast, and if handled incorrectly, your son may damage your computer, and even break it completely by deleting Windows, at which point you will have to have your computer repaired by a professional.

If you see the word “LILO” during your windows startup (just after you turn the machine on), your son has installed lunix. In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive. Lunix is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface.

9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?

If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may have a hacker on your hands. Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying “glow-sticks” and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this) There are many such hackers in schools today, and your son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son’s group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.

10. Is your son struggling academically?

If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a hacking group, such as the infamous “Otaku” hacker association. Excessive time spent on the computer, communicating with his fellow hackers may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain, from the electromagnetic radiation. This will cause his marks to slip dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Math, and Chemistry. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases. Also, the reduction in exercise may cause him to lose muscle mass, and even to start gaining weight. For the sake of your child’s mental and physical health, you must put a stop to his hacking, and limit his computer time drastically.

I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Your child’s future may depend upon it. Hacking is an illegal and dangerous activity, that may land your child in prison, and tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously.

A Study of Geekdom

I reposted this from http://www.energymech.net/emech/geek.html . I really did get a good kick out of it.
Copyright is on the bottom… please don’t sue me 😉


by KangaMitz

Warning!

Geekdom is not only an inherited trait, it is also an acquired one. They have an ability, not unlike the BORG, to assimilate anyone who comes too close. Keep your distance and by ALL means, do NOT give them caffeine.

Bloodshot eyes… Finger cramps… Speaks in abbreviations… Thinks in Comic Sans MS… Can put a computer of any sort together in less than 5 minutes… Pale, sun-starved skin… Blunt fingernails so as not to interfere with typing… Spends much of their spare time wandering around Best Buy and Circuit city in a trance… Can’t leave Wal-Mart without visiting the electronics department…

Sound familiar? These are the telltale qualities of a geek.

The following page will offer you more insight into the world of The Geek. No geeks were harmed in this study, except the one improperly captured. However, three researchers were. Two of them were assimilated. The other ran off in a naked frenzy screaming ‘Disconnected AGAIN’ and hasn’t been heard from since. Her left sock was found next to a serial cable. Her logs have been found and will be posted shortly.

A GEEK MOMENT IN LIFE

The silence is deafening. You could hear a pin drop as everybody stares. He realizes too late that he was just pondering the way to make his script work out loud. His companions all look at him with the same ‘what are you talking about’ expression. He blushes profusely and mumbles some incoherent explanation, and the conversation about last nights ‘Friends’ episode resumes. A few minutes later, his friends mention going to catch a movie. He declines. Why? He just got a cable modem…

LOCATION

There is no set location for geeks… They seem to be everywhere and anywhere an electric outlet is located. Their population seems to become more dense in areas of high speed cable access.

ORIGINATION

This field is still under study. Nobody knows exactly how the geek originated. Apparently nobody cares.

HABITAT

The geek burrow ranges in size and intensity. Some are but a small cart, while others are large wooden objects closely resembling a desk suffering from a hostile computer takeover. The more computer equipment you find in a burrow, the more likely it is that you have located one of these creatures. Some Geeks even have a strange habit of stashing computer parts in various parts of their burrows, like closets or in boxes underneath their beds.

BEHAVIOR

The geek is, from time to time, an antisocial creature. It often crouches behind computer monitors and has been known to stare at them for hours at a time. Apparently this is enhanced by their ability to go for long periods of time without blinking. Geeks have a strange habit of not being able to throw computers away, and in the rare event that they do, they strip it in a cruel and methodical manner, leaving only the shell. Geeks are interesting creatures, but only to other geeks, which could explain why they are drawn to each other. Do not, in any way, underestimate the intelligence of a geek. They are highly intellectual and, when pissed off, can turn your electric toothbrush into a genuine weapon (This unfortunately was discovered first hand).

APPEARANCE

Once again, this field is under more study. They have been noted in all shapes and sizes, and there has even been a few sightings of the rare ‘Gorgeous Geek Male’ in and around the area of Pensacola.


ACTIVITIES

The geek prefers to do software related activities. Often scripting, sometimes playing games, but basicaly in front of a monitor. The more true to the breed geek, the more involved their activities. Some true geeks have been known to create their own geek equipment such as mp3 boxes. The actual true geeks write webpages in their spare time, and get their kicks from ritual sacrifices and dissection of their computers. Nobody knows why.

DIET

The geek prefers to graze. It generally consumes quickly prepared meals. Macaroni and Cheese appears to be a geek favorite. Often Geeks will consume foods right from the can, such as spaghettios (the meatball variety is preferable) or beefaroni. Although you may be able to lure them from their computers long enough to eat, more often than not, they will take the food and retreat back to their burrows. If you are lucky, you may even hear conversation coming from the geeks general direction as it retreats.


HOW TO CATCH A GEEK

As the geek is a VERY predictable creature, finding it is not very difficult. Capturing it, on the other hand, is extrememly difficult. You cannot take a geek away from its computer willingly for long periods of time. Many have tried. All have failed. Computers are first and foremost in a geeks life. However there is a technique to getting them away from the computer:

The first step is to sneak up on the geek. This is a very easy task, since all of their senses shut down in front of a computer and they become mere drones. It does help to make modem sounds.

Then, you very carefully throw a pillowcase over their heads, and turn off their computer while they are struggling.

Finally, you must drag them away, kicking and screaming by the foot. More often than not, they must be sat upon while they acclimate to the computerless environment. Be warned, they do not seem to take too well to this practice, so have an ample supply of ho-hos and twinkies on hand.

GEEK BREEDING

Above all odd behavior is the geek breeding. There is no set time, and, when really quiet, one can even observe the mating dance. This dance seems to consist of a LOT of computer lingo and some digressing into their native tongue, html. As it heats up, DOS becomes the language of choice. Unfortunately, our studies have been a bit inconclusive about what happens next, as our researchers seem to get bored and fall asleep.

Techheads Logo Copyright � 2001 NeonGhozt, Content Copyright � 2001 KangaMitz, All rights reserved. Last edited August 13th, 2001.

Trivia for Hackers… The movie

HackersIf you know me personaly. Or Actualy listened to me online you would know that Hackers (1995) is my favorite movie. It’s also where my crush on Angelina Jolie started.

I never knew her and Jonny Lee Miller were ever married tho!

Legends tell that the Hacking of the website was the real deal. Not a spoof by the web admins. And TBH, Everything was so hackable back in the 1990s I dont doubt it.

Want an Online Quiz for Hackers?
http://www.ozbricks.com/syme1984/hackers/hackers_quiz.html
I only Missed ONE fucking question… The difficulty rating of the bra removal. Im usualy too busy checking out Nikon’s slick glasses at that point.

Trivia for
Hackers (1995)
Source http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113243/trivia

* The high school scenes were filmed at Stuyvesant High School in Manhattan, one of a few elite, exclusive high schools for students gifted in math, science and computers. Real school seniors were extras in many scenes. In the real school, the pool is on the first floor.

* The “pool on the roof” prank is actually based on an old Stuyvesant H.S. prank of the “Sixth Floor Pool”. The original Stuy building on East 15th Street in Manhattan had only five floors, and freshman were sent to look for a pool upstairs. The building had no pool. There was a literary publication at Stuyvesant referencing the prank called “Sixth Floor Pool”. The school moved into the new building (featured in the movie) shortly before filming began. Coincidentally, this building is across the street from Ground Zero, the former site of the World Trade Center. It was, amazingly, almost completely unharmed by the blasts. The school was used as the base of operations for the rescue efforts, and classes were moved for one term to Brooklyn Technical High School. The three “Specialized Math and Science High Schools” in NYC, requiring an examination for admittance, are Stuyvesant, Bronx High School of Science, and Brooklyn Tech (in order of difficulty of admittance).

* The computer they break into is a fictional mainframe computer called a “Gibson” – a homage to cyberpunk author William Gibson.

* Another William Gibson novel, “The Difference Engine”, took its title from one of Charles Babbage’s machines.

* The character name “Emmanuel Goldstein” is taken from George Orwell’s novel “Nineteen Eighty-Four”. It is also used as a pseudonym by Eric Corley, who publishes the magazine “2600, The Hacker Quarterly”. Corley was a consultant for this film.

* The “Hacker Manifesto” read by Agent Bob was actually written by a hacker of great renown in the 1980s who went by the name of The Mentor. It was published in PHRACK magazine, issue 07, file 03 in 1986.

* Eugene Belford uses the pseudonym Babbage at the end of the film. Charles Babbage was the inventor of an early form of the computer.

* Penn Jillette’s character is named Hal in the credits, most likely a reference to the HAL9000 computer system from the sci-fi movie _2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)_.

* William Gibson “invented” the term “Cyberspace” in 1982 for his book, Neuromancer.

* Jonny Lee Miller and Angelina Jolie were married shortly after the making of the film, and then were divorced four years later.

* Around the movie’s release, the official website was modified by its webmasters to appear that it had been “hacked into,” and digital graffiti and instructions to “see ‘The Net’ instead” was added to the site’s graphics.

* All of the hacker handles proposed by the Joey were actual handles already used by real hackers.

* The game being played in the arcade is a high-quality prototype of the Playstation game “Wipeout” by Psygnosis. It is done on a high-end SGI server and allowed the development team to try out tracks and gameplay, before porting it to the Playstation. As a result, there are features and graphics in the movie that do not exist in the actual game, including the “high score smashing” sequence.

* “ARF! ARF! GOTCHA”, which appears near the end, when the gibson is about to crash is a nod to the crew “Asoziale Randgruppe Frankfurt”

* The “hacking”-sequences – the scenes where you see the “inside” of a computer – are mostly motion-controlled models, because director Iain Softley thought that actual computer graphics would look too artificial.

* The poster for this movie shows Acid Burn and Crash Override with various words and ASCII symbols transposed on their faces. Amongst the words are:
o 1. Names of hackers in the movie, including Lord Nikon, Acid Burn, and Crash Override
o 2. Some of the commonly-used passwords, according to Plague, such as God, Sex, Love, and Secret

o 3. Phreak – a “phone freak” – a hacker who concentrates their knowledge on telephone systems. (Phantom Phreak was the main Phreaker in the hacker group)

* Cyberdelia was built from scratch in an abandoned indoor swimming pool on the outskirts of London, with the center of the club in the depths of what was the pool. Producer Ralph Winter notes, “We never knew why, but the pool was designated an historic landmark, so great care had to be taken not to damage anything and to return it to its original state.”

* The part of Kate “Acid Burn” Libby was originally offered to Katherine Heigl, but due to prior commitments to Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) had to turn it down.

The Stella Awards

Time once again to review The Stella Awards are to memorialize 81-year-old

Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on her own lap and successfully sued
McDonalds (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most
frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.
This years winners:

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000.
by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who
was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were

understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little
toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000. and
medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a
house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to

get the gara! ge door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting
the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on
vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.
He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue
mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AR was awarded $14,500. and

medical expens! es after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The
award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the
fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. C!

arson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of
a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to
the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000. and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year’s runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor

home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto
the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not
surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner’s manual that
she couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarde! d her $1,750,000. plus a new
motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this
suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

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