Capt. Skidmark!!

this are priceless

How To Spot a Millionare

Picture says it all

The guys ONE ass check is bigger than her WHOLE ass.

Holiday Eating tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even more rare than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of
attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Uncle Perry has some funny jokes.

he sent this one to me today. Thought I would share it.

THE OLD GIRLFRIEND

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
Wow!” I said, “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now. I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!”
She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge! Yeah,” I said, “just so long as you don’t mind a man with a
waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
Anyway, ” I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself “, she giggled…..

So I told her to fuck off.

#1 on Google!!

Just did a search for “KoldFusion” on google. Seems my site is the first hit.

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