Two nuns and Dracula

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in
their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says
Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican,” says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield
washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine?

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen. “Now you’re talking,” says Sister
Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, “Get the fuck off the car!”

“Sagging” Spirits

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just
kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to
get it over with quickly, Mildred took out Earl’s old Army pistol and

made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly
broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and
become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s
office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart was located. “On a
woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left
breast.” Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.

The 25 rules to flying

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull

The stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep The
pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided With
the sky.

8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ Landing
is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all
of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi
to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle Of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice

versa.

12. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going Hundreds of
miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet
to lose.

13. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.

14. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as

possible

15. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s

Not subject to appeal.

16. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

17. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

18. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

19. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to Five
minutes earlier.

20. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might
be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also
report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

21. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the Number

of take offs you’ve made.

22. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately
no one knows what they are.

23. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The
trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

24. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round And
round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger

compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

AND FINALLY,

25. When in doubt, take AMTRAK. They may crash more, but they don’t have to
fall before they do!

I could have been rich

If only I thought of it

DVD Rewinder

Funny Church Letters

Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:

trespassers will be baptized

– Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

– The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

– The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The
sermon tonight “Searching for Jesus.”

– Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

– Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your
husbands.

– The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due

to a conflict.

– Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t
care much about you.

– Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

– Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving

obvious pleasure to the congregation.

– For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

– Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

– Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more

transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

– The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”

– Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

– A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

– At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is
Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

– Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

– Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

– Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

– The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

– Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

– The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

– This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

– Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.

– The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

– Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please

use the back door.

– The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet
in the
church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.

– The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours

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